I never lived with a man before. This was new for me + it happened so fast. I knew early on that this “relationship” wasn’t the one. That he was toxic, but i kept him around for reasons many may not understand. I mean shit its easy to pass judgment on someone else shit when you are emotionally removed + on the outside looking in. But let’s be real… when it comes to matters of love + dating no one ever listens to the advice of others. At the end of the day regardless of the signs, most still embark on the journey and take those chances against even your own better judgement. But while everyone was busy giving me the side eye, I was developing a plan to change my circumstance. I may not have exited stage left when everyone else thought I should but I moved on the way that I felt was most effective for me.
Anywho, we are now in the 3rd week that HE has moved out despite the fact i broke up with him in January. As flawed as our relationship was I still enjoyed his company from time to time.
It wasn’t until the second week of him being gone that I was actually taken aback by what I was feeling. I wasn’t expecting to be sad about him being gone. Actually feelings of loneliness. As much as i was ready for him to be removed from my space, I didn’t realize it was going to take some emotional adjusting to being on my own again.
I may not make all the right decisions but I’m don’t bashful about self reflecting and acknowledging my errors + what i can do to be a better me. I can only take it one 24 hours at a time and that’s about where I’m at with it.
I never lost myself. I have always been aware + even amazed of my potential + limits my creative mind is willing to take me. I have however failed to push myself beyond my fear + anxiety to walk into my purpose. In this 3rd week, I woke up hopeful this morning, optimistic, and motivated, my heart + mind had clarity, free of frustration.
About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I was so angry with myself for allowing this to happen. Im not even going to front like this is about to be easy cus I know its not but I am once again getting back into a lifestyle change of better eating and a regular exercise regimen. I’m tired of holding this weight. I am physically uncomfortable and I can’t remember the last time I felt physically appealing. Not to mention I would love to have more babies one day and I don’t feel comfortable carrying no babies at this size. I’d be a high risk pregnancy for sure.
I’m essentially sharing all of this to say, ‘New Year; New ME!” LOL…
nah, but seriously …
Life only has a play button. No rewind. No fast forward. No pause.
We are all works in progress that will never be a finished project. All we can do is take it 24 hours at a time and be as productive and life fulfilling as you can. Say Sorry when necessary. Fix errors you make along the way + never be too proud to admit you’re human + as fucked up as life can sometimes get….
FIX YOUR FUCK UPS + LIVE IT UP
JUDGE LESS TIL YOU JUDGE NOT.